I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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