So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
