i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
