I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
