I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
