Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
