you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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