i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
