Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
