i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I deserve this hangover.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
