I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
As shirtless as possible
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
