Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
