I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
