I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's always time for handjobs
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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