Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
