i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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