i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
