Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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