I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
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When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
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When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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