There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
