I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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