6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
