So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
