My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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