You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
