Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize