I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
