I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
