I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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