I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
how does that bad decision feel?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
