I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
