Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
