Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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