The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
