I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
