Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
