My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
