i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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