So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
time to smoke my breakfast
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
