i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
