FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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