remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
