I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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