We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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