you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
