We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
This is the high leading the old right now
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
