Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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