Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
