I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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