i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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