I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
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I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
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She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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