i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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