i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
