Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
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