so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
