ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
